frankly i'm amazed that i can get on here at all. my computer here at work.... been WHOLLY crappy lately. crashing more times than a drunk mormon in a bumper car. fuck! makes it WAY hard to get any work done. oh well.

So I had a dream last night, that i was getting a tattoo. Very interesting. since i want to get a tattoo... i want the word "balance" written in hebrew on my arm. do you think thats a good idea? I was originally leaning towards kanji and all... but i've noticed latley that my life is peppered with far too much japanese writing and what not, so i'm going to cut down. Sarey and i actually want to learn hebrew... interesting. did you know that i used to KNOW hebrew? yup i did. being the happy jew that i am, i did that whole bar mitzvh thingy and all... made EVERYTHING in my service responsive... so i didna have to do that much work at all! in fact i hadn't even figured out what to do until that morning i crammed on my parents bed. how's THAT for slack?

But anyways... yea my dream... well originally i was still debating betwixt kanji and hebrew.. and the guy had some booklets with words and their symbols and all, so i was perusing them and trying to find something that looked cool . THough in my dream, "balance" didn't exactly translate into hebrew, it ended up being something like "does not fall down" or some wordy crap like that, but i settled on it anyways... cuz it's in another language... it could say "kiss my hairy ass", and people would only know what i told them. oh well.

So heres something i bet you dind't know... and talking about this dream has brought up, (i'll explain why later) but i used to think i was gay for a time. it was weird (coincidentally, we used to think that kevin was gay, way back when, but thats more cuz my mother doesn't know what she's looking for).

So yea i had a rough timein high school. not REALLY rough, i had friends and all. but i didn't even kiss a girl until i was a senior in highschool. never really had a girlfriend until then. So in high school, when you're pretty much labelled by dating and who you're friends with... it makes you question yourself. and i was sitting on the couch one day watching tv, (where i spent FAR too much of my life) and i was trying to decide what was in my heart. I didn't really much care either way. it was me, and whatever i wanted was fine, but i figured it was time for me to figure it out. I tossed the idea around in my head for years actually. But so i was sitting there watching people on tv, I have no clue what i was watching, but there was this guy on, and my mind clicked, and said, "hey i'm attracted to that guy" it was weird, and i sat there for awhile thinking about that, and it came around to me, that i wasn't really ATTRACTED to him, but could see what WAS attractive ABOUT him. and i thought more about women and men, running pictures through my head, of people i'd known, and whomever iw as seeing on tv, and i realized that i was actually hetero.

So it's weird. i'm sure a lot of people have defining moments like that and all. and really looking back, it doesn't sound nearly as momentuous or defining as it really was to me. but that would be more my own inability to find the proper words than anything else.

So i knew who i was. but i was still a HUGELY late bloomer in life, and i dind't really know what was wrong with me, i figured there must be SOMEtHING wrong with me. but i've pretty much been happy with myself, it wasn't a self esteem issue, i was pretty lucky in that respect. i just didn't know how to go about asking women out, i was simply shy i guess.

things have changed since then... as people will tell you.

SO oh, i've left you all out there hanging as to why THIS was brought up by my dream... just bear with me for a little bit longer.

So i knew i was straight. but i don't come across as straight. there are still people out there that think i'm gay and kidding myself. whatev, i'm comfortable with my flaming hetero self kiddies. theres a lesson in there somewhere. But i also used to get hit on a bunch in college by guys which was pretty flattering. it's always nice to have options! ;-) or just to know that you're attractive to someone makes you feel good. i've had friends that were pretty freaked out when i would tell them this, or what not. homophobic friends i imagine, who would simply hate it if they ever got hit on by a guy... whatever, get over it. it's flattering i tell you.

BUt ok, the connection you've been waiting for. In my dream, the tattoo parlor, was the same place i got my navel pierced almost 4 years ago. it's one of my few experiences with piercing/tattoo parlors, so it's only natural that i took the same surroundings for my dream.

Well, when i got my navel pierced the guy who did it was gay, (sadly though he didn't find navel rings attractive on men...oh well, i guess it would have never worked out) but i got a little sick after the ordeal, just a little queasy is all, and he bought me a coke to help settle my stomach, and was all cool and flirty with me, even though i'd gone there with my WAY pregnant friend Jena. but it wa all cool. maybe thats a story for another time.

so yea dreams tattoos... navel rings.. wanna seee? all you ahve to do is ask, i flash everyone.


antes~después